09/26/04 - Rachel Baumgartner (Terry's Daughter)

Rachel's Tribute To David

My Tribute To David

By: Rachel Baumgartner

Upon sitting down to write this tribute to David, I decided that it would be beneficial to do some brainstorming. In the top left hand corner of my page, I placed the words, "Things I Love About David". I stopped and stared transfixed by the word love, mostly by the fact that it was in the present tense. For me to love anything about David, he would still have to be here, living, breathing, presently residing in my life. He is not. Slowly, with a painful breath of recognition, I added the letter "d". I surveyed my new statement, "Things I Loved About David". Yet something was still amiss.

The newly arrived "d" did not quite seem to fit the rest of the word. It was hastily scrawled and disconjointed from the rest of the letters. The word love, had no extra room for this interloper, and I was unsettled. The sentence conveyed the truth from a grammatical stand point, yes David is gone, he no longer resides in this life. His mannerisms, characteristics, and lifetime accomplishments are now encapsulated in that hazy era known as the past. Every time I wish to speak of him, I will be forced to use such phrases as, used to, I remember when, and plenty of ed's, like lived, laughed, or hoped. My thoughts were brought back to my poor little word love. It did not want it's extra letter, it had no room for it in it's structure. I don't know how long I sat there staring at a blank page before I realized the metaphor that I had unwittingly stumbled upon.

The inserted "d" stands for death, and just like the word love, I had no room for it. Yet whether I liked it or not, it had squeezed into my life, slipped right past my radar, and there was NOTHING I could do about it. Death is a difficult thing to fit into anyone's plans. It always seems out of place, and never fit's the individual idea of what the big picture should be. Death seldom feels right, and almost never welcome. But it remains a natural end to a process, the last word in a chapter, and the cause of many broken hearts.

I finally took an opportunity to think about the man that I had lost from my life. I poured over the things that had made us laugh, the events that had endeared him to my memory. I found that as I wandered through the deep recesses of my mind, taking stock of the many cataloged memories, that my heart was no longer heavy. That my tears had dried up. Most amazingly of all, I found that David is still alive in my mind. He is still a living breathing being, that presently resides in my thoughts, and in my heart. I smiled at the realization that no matter how far back someone is trapped in the past, or how distant and far away they seem. That they will always live on, permanently embedded in our memories.

I drew my pen up to the left hand side of the paper and resolutely scratched out the letter "d". I took a deep breath, satisfied that the word looked much happier now. I re-read my statement that rested at the top of the page, "Things I Love About David". I exhaled slowly, finally satisfied that my words were correct.

I am not going to tell you what I placed in my list that night, it is unimportant. All that you need to know, is that no matter how harsh, unyielding and final death seems to be, it is but one step in a journey, and it only holds as much power over you, as you allow it to have.